[Lech LechaĀ are the words that were told to Abraham. “Lech lecha, go to yourself” when G-d sent him on a journey into the unknown. We read it not only as go to yourself, but, despite the hardship, go for yourself, for your own benefit.]
Itās been a long time since I sat down to write.
These past few months I couldnāt write b/c I have just been Ā a great big bread machine. Ingredients are being added into the machine daily. Job changes, a child suffering with depression, a child working out their faith, and myself working to be there for everyone while still juggling my out of the home responsibilities.
Itās whirring, this machine that I am. Mixing, striving – sometimes leaking heartfelt tears. I havenāt written, I suppose because I am very busy. Iām busy processing, kneading the dough, praying it comes out good. And sometimes not praying -sometimes just surviving.
There have been times over the last few months where Iāve been tempted to dump out the contents, let the runny mixture spill out and show everyone ālook what Iām makingā But I canāt. The ingredients arenāt all mine. The struggles and stories belong to people I love. And Ā theyāre counting on me to hold it together ā to produce something beautiful. To make sure that their contribution to my pain is used like yeast – despite it’s awful smell and appearance – to grow us.
Iām looking forward to the freshly baked blessing that will come from all of this. I know theyāre there.
But at the same time, I know ā though sometimes my heart forgets, that this struggle ā this very meeting, appointment, stress, upset, worry is also the blessing.
Is it too hard for G-d to grow bread from trees? He grows apples, oranges, mangos, bananas, melons, kiwis, papyasā¦ where should I stop?
Itās not hard for Him to grow bread from trees. And yet, the staff of life ā manās most influential food is processed.
Itās threshed and winnowed and beaten and crushed and ground and mixed and pummeled then baked on high heat until, at last, its bread.
Weāre supposed to be a work in progress.
Every step has a purpose. Every stage is towards a goal. And in the same way that each step has its measure ā too high heat will make the bread burn – Ā each step of the struggle has been given to us in itās exact amount. Thereās nothing arbitrary. This is all perfect, it just hurts.
Iām still me, doing all the things I love ā Ā Iām just a quieter version right now.Ā Iāve moved out of the teacher’s desk and into the student’s place and Life is in the classroom teaching whatever Iām willing to learn.