I’m still not completely grounded. My heart is pounding and I’m a little shaky. But good shaky. The kind of trembles you get after birth when both your body and your soul have gone through an intense experience and touched the Divine.
The past hour was spent on my couch with Esther Wiener, a gifted and intuitive energy healer. I’ve known Esther for a while, but just recently in synagogue as I was doling out hugs and greetings, Esther put her hand on my back and rocked my world.
I tried to keep chatting, but I couldn’t. I felt a buzzing, comforting energy.
It felt like she was holding my heart in her hand.
“How did you know I needed it there?.”
“I just knew.”
“Whatever you’re doing, don’t stop!”
In the gentlest voice she answered. It’s not me, it’s Hashem, and He’s limitless, there’s as much as you need.”
Tears prickled in my eyes. “Thank you.”
“I’ll be calling you.”
Sitting on the couch today I spent an hour letting go of traumas and hurts and filling the spaces with Divine Light. None of this is metaphorical. It all happened. On an energy level, I felt the draining, I felt the healing.
And Chev, my dear sister – in – law, you were there too. When Esther asked me to tell her about my pregnancy with Minky, a picture came to mind. I saw you standing off the to the side with your children.
I didn’t know if that was significant, but she said, “Hold on to that.”
“”Now I want you to envision that Chev is here. She’s in the room and she’s in a protective bubble of light. You can’t hurt her. She’s okay.
What do you want to say to her?”
A lump filled my throat.
“I don’t know.”
“Can you hear what she’s saying to you?”
Chev, you said “Rif, I love you. I want you to have everything!”
I felt you telling me that even though you were in pain of widowhood, it wasn’t a bitter pain. You didn’t begrudge me anything. When you came with us to the hospital for the birth, unconsciously it was unbearable for me. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was with Bezalel and would soon have a baby and you were alone.
I hurt so much for you and I didn’t know what to do with it.
But today you taught me something new. I now know that even though it was painful, you loved unconditionally without jealousy. I understand now that your relationship with Hashem was so deep, it carried you through places, that I couldn’t even begin to imagine.
You carry pain, but not bitterness.
I was only seeing you from my knee high level. But you were head and shoulders above me in love.
“I love you Rif,” you said. And I believed you. I felt your kindness and I let the pain go.
An image appeared of you and me and Bezalel in the hospital room and a glow surrounded all of us. It moved throughout the whole room. In that glow was the knowledge that we all were exactly where we needed to be, playing out our lives.
That story and the stories that came after that, are the perfectness of Life. We are where we need to be.
I don’t need to fight it. Every single thing is from a Source that is Good.
I don’t need to control it. I don’t need to fix it. It’s not broken.
I felt like a child in Hashem’s hands.
The pain that was in my heart came pouring out. It flowed and drained until it was a mere trickle. And then – it left.
So this is for you Chev. You’re still teaching me about love even from thousands of miles away.
I love you too.
(Chev, now, with her dear husband Paul)