I wrote this sometime last year. It’s amazing and astonishing to see how different our life looks now. We truly are on the next chapter. Nothing is too hard for G-d!
Interestingly enough, I submitted this to two publications and both (who have published my writing before) turned it down. That was funny because it’s probably my rawest, more real piece. Written ony 10 minutes after it happened.
I think its kind of cool. I had something I needed to say and G-d made sure that I held on to it until I could share it with people who would really get it.
Weāre on our way back from eating breakfast together. On a rare splurge I took my 14 year old daughter out to eat. Thereās only so many weeks that we can do school and homework and busy – life and not have the time to sit down and talk.
I know that when I get to the register Iāll be holding my breathe; āwill my debit card work? Am I in overdraft? Some might criticize me for being in a restaurant altogether considering how broke I am. But my motherās intuition tells me that Iām exactly where I need to be.
I donāt tell any of this to my daughter. I just enjoy her and watch her relax into conversation as the minutes glide by.
Itās a rarified atmosphere in that quiet cafĆ© on this Tuesday morning. I woke up feeling particularly emotional. Iām experiencing everything in raw, rugged form.
The only other table filled is taken by a woman whoās having breakfast with her special needs son. Sheās just gotten up from sitting shivah for her husband.
I give her a long, close hug though itās the first time Iām meeting her. Thereās more I want to give her. I left her a piece of my heart and it seems to me she felt it.
My heart is broken. I used to be like a strong, ripe tree. āCome, sit in my shade, pick my fruit, swing on my branches. Iām strong and rooted.ā
Now my broken heart is in pieces, thousands of pieces. I offer one to each person I meet. I share with them what I have ā my brokenness. I know that when two fragments connect they become a larger piece. Not whole ā but more whole and thatās the most I can hope for. This year has been a struggle but Iām picking up some souvenirs from this journey to the poorhouse.
Thereās a strange joy in all this not having. On the way back I share my thoughts with my daughter.
āItās funā I say. Thereās something funny about not having extra money.ā
She looks grateful for the topic. āyeahā, she says, Iāve been thinking about it. Itās so weird. I mean we donāt have money?! Why are you saying its fun?
Iām grinning. āWell, not fun, but funny. I mean, this is funny! Itās an adventure! We donāt know what to expect next!ā I can feel her listening. Sheās hearing that I believe what Iām saying.
āYou know how it is when things go well? Itās so easy to say why theyāre working. It all seems to make sense. But when things arenāt going well you get this sense of āWo! Hashem is taking me for a ride!ā Our life isĀ a story. Whatās going to happen next?ā
I reminded her of how many changes, both good and difficult weāve experienced over the last few years.
āIf this was a book called The Perlman’s Have No Money Their Whole Lives, It would be harder to be happy. Itās more like, The Perlman’sAre Happy. Chapter Two -ThePerlman Kids Are Awesome. Chapter Three- TheĀ Perlman’s Have No Money.
Weāll see what happens nextā
HearingĀ my own words fills me with indescribable hope and excitement. My daughter is catching on. Still, she wants to know ā fun?? āNot being able to afford things is fun?! Like, do you mean physically or spiritually?ā
āFunā, I said. āLetsā say youāre planning a trip to China. You have your whole itinerary mapped out. You get there and your trip is perfect. Everything flows smoothly and you see every sight youād planned on. Thatās a great trip. Right?
Now letās say that Totty said heāll take you to China. He promises you the time of your life. You get there and nothing works out, the plans keep changing. The trip looks nothing like you thought it would. But every day is great.
Every day you wake up with a sense of anticipation, āwhatās going to happen today?ā And it turns out that it doesnāt matter so much how many places you go. The fun part is having Tottyās undivided attention. Heās totally there for you. Spending time with him is the ingredient that flavors the whole trip. Whatever you do, youāre together! Itās an adventure! Now thatās fun!
We have Hashem with us on this trip. This chapter isnāt going to last forever, but for now, itās awesome! We feel His undivided attention.ā
Our car was a quiet happy place for a moment as we drunk in the image. I noticed with contentment that we were on the same page ā she understood. I dropped her off at school and she jumped lightly out of the car. I sent a whispered thanks to Hashem. It wasnāt relief. It was more then that. It wasnāt even just about that exquisite interaction.
It was simply thanks for being. For being here, alive, part of this process, a wife, a mother; It was thanks for Him carrying me through that moment and every moment before and every moment to come.