I shouldn’t have survived, but I did. Laying in the ICU covered in tubes and bandages, I came back to this world flooded with the awareness of G-d’s unconditional love. I could feel it. I knew it as a reality. It wasn’t just that He saved me. It was that my brain and being, my very soul had been reset.
I grew up with The Awfulness.
I call it Awfulness, because truly that’s what it was. To walk around the world without feeling G-d’s love is awful. It’s a guilt producing stress inducing, self-loathing, dry bones life.
I can say that now because I’m out of it. But when I was in it – it was awful, and I didn’t even know what that it could be any other way.
I actually grew up in a home of G-d’s love. So why did I turn out with the Awfulness?
The answer in a word is: Shame.